


All Too Well

by ijustwantacue



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Break Up, F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 09:07:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14209824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ijustwantacue/pseuds/ijustwantacue
Summary: Your last walk with Jinyoung.





	All Too Well

The walk to the door is a silent one. Usually, when he walks you home, you would whine about the briefness of time you’ve spent with him, and he would playfully complain at how being clingy you are. It would be full of teasing because you both know that when you enter the house, you’ll start texting him anyway. You never part at all.

But this is the last chivalry you will get. The one you hoped wouldn’t have to happen. The walk to the door is a silent one, because you won’t ask him to come in anymore. You won’t ask him to stay. And he won’t anyway.

You will part after this.

The air is cold and you sigh. It isn’t unpleasant; it actually feels very familiar. As if it was home. You then remember how he tied your scarf during a walk home on your early dating stage. Your cheeks flushed then, not knowing how to react on such gentlemanly gesture, as you are used to dating assholes with no care except for the satisfaction of themselves. From then on, you’ve always brought the scarf anywhere you go, regardless of the temperature outside, hoping for that sweet gesture to happen again.

It did. It always did. He always did.

There was a time though, when you went out of town with him so he could introduce you to his family. They loved you, making your anxiety before seem ridiculous. You clumsily forgot that you’ve put out the scarf from your bag so it wouldn’t get dirty if the overflowing food his mother gave you leaks.

You left it there at his sister’s house. He got it back when he visited them again two months later. There was something in his expression when he told you that it’s in his drawer and asked you if you want him to get it for you. It was as if he wanted you to say no, so that something of yours would always be with him, so that he can remember you all the time.

So you didn’t ask for it and it’s still there with his branded scarves, a silly little thing in the middle of his extravagance. Like your existence in his life. You regret not asking for it when he asked you over dinner if you want to get something from his house, anything you wouldn’t want to leave behind. The air is cold and you need it, not only because it would provide warmth to your body, but also to your now sad memories.

With the stretching silence and cold night air, you continue going back to some memories. You’ve had fun times. Lots of fun times that people don’t usually see as a normal couple’s bonding moment. There was only one time you did something socially acceptable as couple date. He went on roadtrip with you. You can remember perfectly how he looks on the driver seat, with autumn leaves falling down on the road you’re passing by. He was singing along to the gentle song he put on. He was picturesque; he always is. And he was yours.

“Are you okay?” you hear him ask.

You lift your gaze. You notice that you have your arms around you; maybe unconsciously you’ve hugged yourself so you don’t fall apart before you’re alone in the comfort of your home. You used to be able to show him your emotions under any circumstances. Nothing was ever left unsaid because he always listens. You could tell him everything, from your silly rants about an obnoxious stranger you encounter that day to the fears you’ve developed growing up.

But right now, he’s merely asking out of courteousness.

You hate to hate his gentlemanliness as it’s making it hard for you in a situations like this. You cannot unlove him. He can leave you, but you will still love him. This can break you, but you will still love him. So you thought that hating something about him would at least help you move on from whatever slump you’re about to dive into once you’ve closed the door later. No one’s perfect anyway. Surely you can move on from him by remembering how he’s too lazy to shower sometimes and how his taste in fashion was doubtable before you came into his life.

But the thing about love is you accepted all parts of him, even the ugly ones. So thinking about the negative sides is useless. Much more hating the fact that he’s being polite. You love him despite his fashion sense. You love him even more because of his natural scent. You fell so hard for him because of his manners.

“Yeah,” you finally answer.

You aren’t fine at all. He knows this, but he wouldn’t ask further. He doesn’t have that big of a part in your life anymore.

You continue to walk and suddenly think how it would be if he brought his car. You wouldn’t be able to go over these memories. Ten minutes will be shorten to two. The agony will be lessen, but then you won’t be able to fully accept that things are over before he’s dropping you to your front door.

You won’t remember how ridiculous your first meeting was. He was driving when you caught his eyes. You were walking and he almost ran the red light following you. The sudden screech made you look back and that’s how you first saw the man you’d spend your last two years with.

The cold night wind blows.

What if you didn’t look back then?

No, you wouldn’t entertain that thought. You’re not the least pleased of how this turned out but you certainly don’t regret it. You’ve met great people through and because of him. You’ll never forget the warmth you felt in your heart when his mom was telling you his childhood stories, showing you a photo album where you found out that he used to wore glasses. Much more when he himself told you all important aspects of his past, because he thinks you deserve to know them, being the one he’s going to spend the future with.

You felt loved and important the past years; you’d never regret that. But if the memories will hold you back from moving on, you’ll have to forget them.

You have to forget him.

But it’s hard. You remember that one magical night when you crashed in his place. You had a shitty day and you wanted him to just hold you. You let yourself in with the spare key he nonchalantly gave you five months into dating. As you stealthily went in, you found him in the kitchen, oblivious of your presence. He almost screamed when you hugged him from the back. Good thing he had your figure and scent memorised, so he instantly calmed down.

He moved to face you and soon you’re wrapped into each other without exchanging words. That was all it takes for everything to be better. Surprisingly, he was extra sweet that day, so from a simple hug, he started swaying the both of you. Soon, it was as if you were dancing and you started giggling.

That was all he wanted. Your happiness.

But people change and sometimes what used to be enough becomes trivial. You’re guilty of not appreciating the little things he’d done because you’re busy dreaming of grand gestures your friends have been screaming on your face lately. It’s not like you really want some fairytale proposal. Is it so wrong to wonder why he hasn’t asked you to start living with him when you’ve been dating for a year?

You abruptly stop, realising that you’ve almost passed your house. Your reminiscing has taken your mind away from everything, but here’s reality catching up to you.

If it’s possible for the silence to get heavier and for the wind to make you feel colder, that’s what happened. In desperation of finally letting everything out, you walk to your door without much of a goodbye. You feel him watch you fumble on your keys; he won’t leave until he see you get in. The realisation that this is the last time he’ll be doing that makes you rush your entrance.

You don’t slam the door. You’re too weak for that. You can even see your shaking hand as you slowly push the doorknob close. You feel pathetic sliding down the door after all your strength fades.

* * *

You thought the misery would come to an end but maybe a month is too soon for that. You’ve gone back to your usual routine, except it’s missing his part. You’re missing the largest part.

But nonetheless, you’re surviving. That is, until today.

You change your pajamas. It’s Saturday and usually, you’ll be out on a date with him. Now you’re all alone with your loneliness.

You look at the pajamas you’ve put on. Plaid. He once wowed you for how hot he looked [like](http://the-princejinyoung.tumblr.com/post/148161280400/fuckyeahjackbum-jinyoung-in-flannel-is-truly-a) with his plaid button down, white shirt underneath, and denim jeans. He was also wearing some glasses and with his stubbles, he looked like some magazine model. You felt so little then. It wasn’t his fault being ridiculously handsome though.

But that night, he took it upon him to assure you that you don’t have to worry. That he loved you and you’re the most beautiful for him. He used to calm you with words coming from his lips, but that night, he used them to do more than you could ask for.

No. Let’s not get to that.

Keeping yourself busy with some papers, you don’t look while answering your ringing phone. Your friends have been calling you all week to ask you to join them partying at some club, and you know this is their way of helping you get back to your tracks. You don’t think you’re ready though, as you still have to rebuild yourself after a big part of you went away.

“Hello?” you answer with a tired voice. You really are tired, physically and mentally.

> _“Hey, um… it’s me.”_

You almost laugh. Hey? Are you really that unimportant for him to just call you with a mere ‘hey’? And the ‘it’s me’ is mocking, don’t you think? You’d probably know that it’s him by his breath; what’s the point of him emphasising that you’ll know who’s calling by his voice?

Okay, you need to calm down. You’re obviously being overdramatic. But how are you supposed to answer such mundane greeting, when you’re used to hear his endearments when you pick up his call?

> _“I’m sorry for suddenly calling. Were you busy?”_

He never had to ask that before. You always made time for him as he also makes sure to spare moments with you.

Get a grip. You’re down to the field of memories again.

“Yeah. I have some work to do,” you answer without a hint of emotion. You’re not lying; you really have papers to finish. But you don’t really have to finish them now so technically, you don’t have to be busy.

> _“Oh. I’m… sorry then. I just wanted you to know that I… I was cleaning up today and you actually left about a box of your things. I have to rush though, so I can’t drop it to your place. Do you mind picking it up?”_

He’s cleaning up but then, he suddenly has to rush somewhere? How cruel can he be, to make you go back to his place and relive your memories, only to walk home alone?

* * *

He wasn’t there when you get the box, which was left in front of his door, like it’s some trash to pick up. Of course. It holds no importance to him anymore. You didn’t walk home anymore, afraid for the tears to drop along the way. You took a cab and arrive at your place without crying.

You threw the box under your bed, not wanting to remember anything anymore. It’s not like he would call again. He had disconnected himself from you, up to the little trinkets you’ve genuinely left on his house. It was the sign you didn’t know you need.

Now you should move on.

* * *

Three months is an acceptable time for people to start dating again. It took you longer to feel okay, but you’re glad you didn’t rush. You needed to try different healing ways. Your plan of hating him just didn’t work out. Distracting yourself simply pushed back the loneliness, only to come back as a strong wave.

So you let yourself cry. You let yourself pour out all of your emotions. It was like the stages of death you learned in school.

First, you denied that it’s making you sad. You couldn’t deny that it’s over anyway, so you just kept on convincing yourself that you’re okay.

Next, you were angry, not entirely to him but to the situation. You knew things wouldn’t have turned this way if only he listened. If only you listened. You were angry that the both of you share the same stubbornness that your love wasn’t able to overcome. You got too used to tolerating each other’s trait so when you stop to wonder why the other is being unreasonable, you can’t find the right answer. So you got angry because you should’ve been more understanding. Both of you.

Bargaining was the shortest stage you hang out to. You’re not stupid; you knew there’s no going back to him. The love was too intense, like a star shining brightly. So when it died, it became a black hole that sucks all the life that gets closed to it. That’s what happened to you, though you’re not sure about him. The point is, there’s no fixing the damage for a love too strong.

That’s when depression sunk in. You realised that you’ve lost yourself because you’ve centred all your decisions to him the past years. You couldn’t remember how you were before you met him. Everything you like now is because of his influence. Everything you do now is because of his support.

And after that seemingly never-ending agony, you finally learned to accept everything. Yes, you wouldn’t be able to go back to how you were before your relationship, but it’s not like you have to. If anything, you shouldn’t. This part of your life should serve as a lesson to you, something you will always remember and should push you to change yourself for the better. Through the relationship, you developed patience, understanding, and sensitivity. Through the break up, you learned how things won’t always go the way you expect them to be, how you can love people intensely but still not have them in the end, how the one who used to love you is actually the hardest to love, not the one who doesn’t reciprocate the feeling.

You built a new you with these lessons. You built a better you and went out of the world again. You weren’t particularly looking for love but you were open for anything to come because of your new perspective. This time, you would be able to handle it more fragilely. This time you hope it would end better.

You go home after a blissful day. Your new self carries a glow that radiates to the surrounding. Happy is what you get when you want to be. And happy is what you are right now.

You start cleaning up your room since you barely take care of it during your down times. You mindlessly sweep under your bed, only to hit something. You reach for it and find a box. You forget what it’s for; surely not some mementos you’re keeping since childhood. You’re not very fond of that.

You blow the dust to see if anything is written on the cover but there’s none. You nonchalantly open it then, and the first thing you see are Polaroids. Pictures of you and Jinyoung. You smile upon realising that you can think of his name without having that ache in your heart. You can also stare at the photographs without any what ifs and should haves playing on your head.

The box is full of your stuffs, yes, but they’re not really yours anymore. The you now don’t think so much of them but just remnants of a love that you needed to have once in your life. You go over all the little things, smiling every now and then upon remembering how you felt at the moment that flashed on your mind. The memories aren’t as vivid anymore but the feelings are.

You finish cleaning up and get ready to rest after a fulfilling day. Before you close your eyes, a thought makes you smile again.

 

> **Park Jinyoung never returned your scarf.**

**Author's Note:**

> This is a part of my songfic collection: Breakup Lullabies. The other members will have their own version and the reader will have a reply to each version. A total of 14 drabbles.


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